I write this with much pain and grief in my heart. You see, I'm depressed. I have been for some time. I can't talk to anyone about it around here. It's ashame I know, but first of all, I live in a small town where a lot of folks view things with a birds eye view and you just don't air your "dirty laundry" and depression is certainly considered that around here by the majority of the elite, at least. Secondly, they are some of the reason for my depression anyway, so why would I want to go with them with these problems I'm facing. I have felt hopeless, helpless and paralyzed with fear to the point of putting off the most menial tasks because they seem so overwhelming to face. So what is my day like, you may ask? It consist of laying in the bed and watching television and surfing the net.. I use to be creative. I was a songwriter/singer. I was happy-go-lucky, loved to be around people. Up until recently, I was a church worker. For almost 10 years, I worked with youth, my husband and I were Children's Pastors, I was an Adult Sunday School Teacher, I was Adult Choir Leader, sang on the Praise Team and so on and so on. I've been disillusioned before, but I don't think it's been to this point. It's like I want to want to go to church but the desire is just not there anymore and I can't muster it up. I still read my bible and pray but I have a hard time trusting anyone. I know a certain amount of trust only belongs to God but it's like the amount that should belong to man too, has just been removed from me. I've been diagnosed with a couple of serious chronic illnesses and I struggle whether or not to have the surgeries recommended or wait on God's healing as one of my Elder's suggested I do. I'm on medication for depression. It keeps me from completely going over the deep end. I just feel totally in a pickle, body of Christ, and I don't know who to trust anymore and to be honest, it's hard for me to know if I can even hear from God anymore too. Please pray for me and give me some words of encouragement and re-enforcement of the faith that I just seem to be hanging on to by a thread these days. Thanks to all....
